my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
