Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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