that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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