who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
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