i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
