The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
