you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
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after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
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Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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