I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
