I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Let's paint friendship bongs
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
