i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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