It's Friday. Sex?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
