i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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