When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
