I think I died a long time ago.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
19 Parents Admit the Lies They’ve Told Their Children
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
21 Worst Confessions on a First Date
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag