you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.