My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
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Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
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Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her