I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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