i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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