i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
