It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
