Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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