I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
