i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
