please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
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he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
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I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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