Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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