apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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