you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
