I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
