I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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