so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
