Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
