I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
