i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
