you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.