I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
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He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
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I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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