I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
