i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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