So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
