I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
What did we do last night that was yellow?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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