Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
We need a shit load of segways right now
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
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