Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
