i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Green mimosas i think yes
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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