i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
