i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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