It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
