im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Randomize
