I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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