Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
