Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Randomize
