I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
