It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
