somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Houston, we have a squirter
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
