I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
