he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
