I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
