I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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