im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
