So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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